A guy walks into a wedding reception. He goes up to the bartender and asks, "Is this the punch line?"
Yo momma so ugly that when she walks in the kitchen, the mice jump on the table and start screaming.
Did you hear about what happened at the Laundromat last night?
Three clothes-pins held up two shirts!
Why did the room packed with married people seem empty?
Because there wasn't a single person there.
I was once in a play called "Breakfast in Bed."
Did you have a big role?
Teacher: "Why are you on the floor?"
Johnny: "Because you said to do this math problem without tables!"
How do you make an elephant float?
Take one elephant, two tons of ice cream, and one ton of soda. Blend.
In the event of a plane crash, locate the nearest woman with implants and use her as a flotation device.
Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is 6 + 4?
Class: At once!
Why did the witch wear a green felt pointy hat?
So she could walk across pool tables without being seen!
What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you? No charge."
Teacher: Tell me a way to prevent a disease caused by biting insects.
Student: Don't get bitten by them!
***
Q: Why did the bride wear white?
A: Because the groom wanted his dishwasher to match his fridge and oven.
***
What would happen if you were to cross two snowmen with three vampires?
You would get severe frostbite.
***
Why are there so many people with the last name 'Jones' in the phonebook?
Because they all have phones.
***
Why don't blondes like making Kool-Aid?
Because they can't fit eight cups of water in the little packet.
How would you lift a giraffe with one hand?
It doesn't matter as you won't find any one-handed giraffes!
***
How many teachers does it take to find the way out of a maze?
Nobody knows as none have made it out yet!
***
Q: How are men are like plungers?
A: They spend most of their time in the hardware store or the bathroom.
***
When you catch them, you won't want them. And when you don't catch them, you'll be glad. What is it?
Lice!
Q: How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
A: At the circus the clowns don't talk.
***
Billy: Dad, there is a man at the door collecting for the new swimming pool.
Dad: Give him a glass of water!
***
Why is it unpleasant to eat a meal next to a group of basketball players?
Because they dribble far too much.
***
Doctor, doctor! I keep seeing an insect fluttering around.
Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going around!
Yo momma so stupid I told her I was reading a book by Homer and she asked if I had anything written by Bart.
***
What do you get when you cross a Rottweiler with a Collie?
A dog who bites off your arm and goes to get help.
***
Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrian's Wall is?
Student: I expect it's around Hadrian's garden, Miss Jones!
***
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Student: I left it in my shirt and my mother put it in the washing machine.
***
"Would you believe I cleaned the attic with my wife last weekend? I still can't get the dust out of her hair."
How can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day?
Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
***
English teacher: Sam, form a sentence using the word aftermath.
Sam: 'I always feel sleepy after math class.'
***
A doctor is the only man who can tell a woman to take off all her clothes and then send a bill to her husband.
***
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.
*******
Yo momma so fat all the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 patrons or yo momma."
***
How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Are you kidding? That's a hardware problem!
***
What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to punch information into a computer once.
***
What is the big difference between chopped pork and pea soup?
Everybody can chop pork but nobody can pea soup.
***
Teacher: Suppose you have a box which contains a ten-foot snake.
Student: But Mr. Malone, snakes don't have feet!
***
What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?
There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.
***
It's always darkest before the dawn—if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
***
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
***
Why is it a good to use valet parking as you get older?
Because the valets will remember where the car was parked.
***
Did you hear about the missionaries who visited a tribe of cannibals?
They wanted to give them a taste of religion.
***
Did you hear about the blonde who got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it in the evening.
***
Teacher: Can you tell me how much is an eighth of a third?
Student: I can't exactly tell, but it can't be that much!
***
Why are blondes only allowed 30-minute lunch breaks?
Because it takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.
***
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Student: I didn't do it because I didn't want to add to your already heavy workload.
***
What happened when the girl dressed as a spoon left the Halloween party?
No one moved. They couldn't stir without her!
***
Q: What do diapers and politicians have in common?
A: They both need changing regularly—for exactly the same reason.
***
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve vegetables!" The mushroom responds, "But I'm a fungi!"
***
Girl: Doctor, doctor! A German shepherd bit my finger.
Doctor: Which one?
Girl: The one owned by Mr. James next door!
***
Dad: Did you like the Kinder Egg I gave you yesterday?
Son: The chocolate was very good, but the shell was a bit hard.
***
Yo momma so poor that when I visited her house and tore down the cob webs, she screamed "Who's tearing down the drapes?"
***
Johnny: "Mom I can't eat eggs."
Mom: "Why not?"
Johnny: "Because chickens don't wipe their butts after they lay eggs!"
***
Yo momma so stupid that when she pulls up to a flashing red light it sounds like this: "Vroom! Screech! Vroom! Screech!"
***
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to change it and the other three to deny it.
***
A boy went to a Halloween party with a sheet on his head. "Are you a ghost?" asked his friends. "No, I'm an unmade bed!"
***
A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
***
Why did cavemen draw pictures of hippopotamuses and rhinoceroses on their walls?
Because they couldn't spell their names!
***
Doctor, doctor! These pills you gave me for body odor…what's wrong with them? They keep slipping out from under my arms!
***
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Billy: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best teacher in the school.
***
Two balloons are floating across the desert. One balloon says to the other, "Look out for the cactusssssssssssssssssssss!"
***
Yo momma so ugly that when she was born, her mother said, "What a treasure!" And her father said, "Yeah, let's go bury it."
***
Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?
Billy: No, teacher, I'm having trouble listening!
***
Wife: "The house doctor is here to see you."
Husband: "Tell him that I am not feeling well and won't be able to see anyone."
***
What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
A teacher says, "Spit out that gum!" and a train says, "Choo choo choo!"
***
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
***
Son: I can't go to school today.
Father: Why not?
Son: I don't feel well.
Teacher: Where don't you feel well?
Son: In school!
***
What's the difference between man and Superman?
Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser.
***
Thomas Edison walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Okay, I'll serve you a beer. Just don't get any ideas."
***
What happened when the ghost asked for a whiskey at his local bar?
The bartender said, "Sorry sir, we don't serve spirits here."
***
Doctor, doctor! I'm on a diet and it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someone's ear off.
Oh, dear, that's a lot of protein!
***
Yo momma so stupid that when I saw her yelling into an envelope and asked her what she was doing, she said, "Leaving a voice mail."
***
Mom: Billy, at your birthday party you'll have a cake with five candles!
Billy: I know, mommy, but I want five cakes with a candle.
***
An invisible man and an invisible woman got married. You won't be surprised to hear that the kids were nothing to look at, either.
***
What's bald, has big clacking teeth, and wobbles?
A zombie baby wearing the dentures of an elderly woman whose brains it just ate.
***
Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?"
Descartes replies, "I think not" and poof! he vanishes.
***
Billy: Dad, do you have a perfect visual memory?
Dad: Yes son, pretty much. Why do you ask?
Billy: I just broke your shaving mirror!
***
A baby seal walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "What will it be, stranger?" "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
***
Mom: Why aren't you doing very well in history?
Billy: Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!
***
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
***
Vet: "I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your dog down."
Owner: "Why, just because he's cross-eyed?"
Vet: "No, because he's heavy!"
***
Ever wonder about those people who spend three dollars a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling "Evian" backward.
***
Doctor, doctor! I'm convinced I'm a rubber band.
Why don't you stretch yourself out on the couch over there and tell me all about it!
***
Teacher: "Amy, what do you call the outside of a tree?"
Student: "No idea, Miss Smith."
Teacher: "Bark, Amy."
Amy: "Arf! Arf! Arf!"
***
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history—with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
***
Daughter: Dad, what is called a 'sea level'?
Dad: Why do you want to know?
Daughter: Because my geography grades went below C-level.
***
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
***
Teacher: Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Pluto and Neptune. Everyone must attend it.
Student: Sorry, my mom won't let me go so far.
***
Q: Why doesn't the law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because the law says you cannot be punished twice for the same offense.
***
Doctor, doctor! I have a serious problem. I can never remember what I just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?
***
Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning.
Class: Hooray!
Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!
***
Dad: How do you like going to school?
Son: The going part is fine, as is the coming home part, but I'm not a fan of the time in-between!
***
Wife: "Why do you wear your specs only when I come in?"
Husband: "The doctor has ordered me to wear my specs whenever I get a headache."
***
My brother is a terrible musician. The other day he asked my sister if she had heard his last recital. She replied, "Oh boy, did I ever."
***
A blonde walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I'm horribly sick!" The doctor looks at her and asks, "Flu?" "No, I drove here."
***
Johnny: "Would you punish me for something I didn't do? "
Teacher: "No, of course not. "
Johnny: "Good, because I didn't do my homework."
***
Q: What is the best definition of a mixed emotion?
A: Watching your mother-in-law reverse off a cliff while driving your brand-new car.
***
Kid #1: I wish I had been born 1,000 years ago!
Kid #2: Why is that?
Kid #1: Just think of all the history that we wouldn't have to learn!
***
Student: Mom, my teacher was mad with me because I didn't know where the Rockies were.
Mom: Well, next time remember where you put things!
***
Why is it that musicians are always walking whenever they play the bagpipes?
Even they are attempting to get away from that awful noise!
***
A three-legged dog walks into a bar in the old west. He slides up to the counter and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
***
Dad: Why have your grades gone down so much during this school term, son?
Son: Because they moved my friend Dexter to the next classroom!
***
A gang of default computer fonts walk into a bar. "Get out of my establishment!" shouts the bartender. "We don't serve your type in here!"
***
Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only six months?
Because on the box it said 'From 2 to 4 years.'
***
What happened after the blonde ran to meet her long lost twin sister?
She got seven years of bad luck for breaking her nose on the mirror.
***
Why did the blonde miss her flight?
Because when she read the sign on the road that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
***
Teacher: Which is your native place?
Singh: Maharashtra, Miss Connor.
Teacher: Can you spell it?
Singh: Actually, my native place is Goa.
Yo momma so ugly that when she walks in the kitchen, the mice jump on the table and start screaming.
Did you hear about what happened at the Laundromat last night?
Three clothes-pins held up two shirts!
Why did the room packed with married people seem empty?
Because there wasn't a single person there.
I was once in a play called "Breakfast in Bed."
Did you have a big role?
Teacher: "Why are you on the floor?"
Johnny: "Because you said to do this math problem without tables!"
How do you make an elephant float?
Take one elephant, two tons of ice cream, and one ton of soda. Blend.
In the event of a plane crash, locate the nearest woman with implants and use her as a flotation device.
Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is 6 + 4?
Class: At once!
Why did the witch wear a green felt pointy hat?
So she could walk across pool tables without being seen!
What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you? No charge."
Teacher: Tell me a way to prevent a disease caused by biting insects.
Student: Don't get bitten by them!
***
Q: Why did the bride wear white?
A: Because the groom wanted his dishwasher to match his fridge and oven.
***
What would happen if you were to cross two snowmen with three vampires?
You would get severe frostbite.
***
Why are there so many people with the last name 'Jones' in the phonebook?
Because they all have phones.
***
Why don't blondes like making Kool-Aid?
Because they can't fit eight cups of water in the little packet.
How would you lift a giraffe with one hand?
It doesn't matter as you won't find any one-handed giraffes!
***
How many teachers does it take to find the way out of a maze?
Nobody knows as none have made it out yet!
***
Q: How are men are like plungers?
A: They spend most of their time in the hardware store or the bathroom.
***
When you catch them, you won't want them. And when you don't catch them, you'll be glad. What is it?
Lice!
Q: How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
A: At the circus the clowns don't talk.
***
Billy: Dad, there is a man at the door collecting for the new swimming pool.
Dad: Give him a glass of water!
***
Why is it unpleasant to eat a meal next to a group of basketball players?
Because they dribble far too much.
***
Doctor, doctor! I keep seeing an insect fluttering around.
Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going around!
Yo momma so stupid I told her I was reading a book by Homer and she asked if I had anything written by Bart.
***
What do you get when you cross a Rottweiler with a Collie?
A dog who bites off your arm and goes to get help.
***
Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrian's Wall is?
Student: I expect it's around Hadrian's garden, Miss Jones!
***
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Student: I left it in my shirt and my mother put it in the washing machine.
***
"Would you believe I cleaned the attic with my wife last weekend? I still can't get the dust out of her hair."
How can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day?
Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
***
English teacher: Sam, form a sentence using the word aftermath.
Sam: 'I always feel sleepy after math class.'
***
A doctor is the only man who can tell a woman to take off all her clothes and then send a bill to her husband.
***
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.
*******
Yo momma so fat all the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 patrons or yo momma."
***
How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Are you kidding? That's a hardware problem!
***
What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to punch information into a computer once.
***
What is the big difference between chopped pork and pea soup?
Everybody can chop pork but nobody can pea soup.
***
Teacher: Suppose you have a box which contains a ten-foot snake.
Student: But Mr. Malone, snakes don't have feet!
***
What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?
There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.
***
It's always darkest before the dawn—if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
***
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
***
Why is it a good to use valet parking as you get older?
Because the valets will remember where the car was parked.
***
Did you hear about the missionaries who visited a tribe of cannibals?
They wanted to give them a taste of religion.
***
Did you hear about the blonde who got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it in the evening.
***
Teacher: Can you tell me how much is an eighth of a third?
Student: I can't exactly tell, but it can't be that much!
***
Why are blondes only allowed 30-minute lunch breaks?
Because it takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.
***
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Student: I didn't do it because I didn't want to add to your already heavy workload.
***
What happened when the girl dressed as a spoon left the Halloween party?
No one moved. They couldn't stir without her!
***
Q: What do diapers and politicians have in common?
A: They both need changing regularly—for exactly the same reason.
***
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve vegetables!" The mushroom responds, "But I'm a fungi!"
***
Girl: Doctor, doctor! A German shepherd bit my finger.
Doctor: Which one?
Girl: The one owned by Mr. James next door!
***
Dad: Did you like the Kinder Egg I gave you yesterday?
Son: The chocolate was very good, but the shell was a bit hard.
***
Yo momma so poor that when I visited her house and tore down the cob webs, she screamed "Who's tearing down the drapes?"
***
Johnny: "Mom I can't eat eggs."
Mom: "Why not?"
Johnny: "Because chickens don't wipe their butts after they lay eggs!"
***
Yo momma so stupid that when she pulls up to a flashing red light it sounds like this: "Vroom! Screech! Vroom! Screech!"
***
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to change it and the other three to deny it.
***
A boy went to a Halloween party with a sheet on his head. "Are you a ghost?" asked his friends. "No, I'm an unmade bed!"
***
A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
***
Why did cavemen draw pictures of hippopotamuses and rhinoceroses on their walls?
Because they couldn't spell their names!
***
Doctor, doctor! These pills you gave me for body odor…what's wrong with them? They keep slipping out from under my arms!
***
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Billy: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best teacher in the school.
***
Two balloons are floating across the desert. One balloon says to the other, "Look out for the cactusssssssssssssssssssss!"
***
Yo momma so ugly that when she was born, her mother said, "What a treasure!" And her father said, "Yeah, let's go bury it."
***
Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?
Billy: No, teacher, I'm having trouble listening!
***
Wife: "The house doctor is here to see you."
Husband: "Tell him that I am not feeling well and won't be able to see anyone."
***
What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
A teacher says, "Spit out that gum!" and a train says, "Choo choo choo!"
***
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
***
Son: I can't go to school today.
Father: Why not?
Son: I don't feel well.
Teacher: Where don't you feel well?
Son: In school!
***
What's the difference between man and Superman?
Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser.
***
Thomas Edison walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Okay, I'll serve you a beer. Just don't get any ideas."
***
What happened when the ghost asked for a whiskey at his local bar?
The bartender said, "Sorry sir, we don't serve spirits here."
***
Doctor, doctor! I'm on a diet and it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someone's ear off.
Oh, dear, that's a lot of protein!
***
Yo momma so stupid that when I saw her yelling into an envelope and asked her what she was doing, she said, "Leaving a voice mail."
***
Mom: Billy, at your birthday party you'll have a cake with five candles!
Billy: I know, mommy, but I want five cakes with a candle.
***
An invisible man and an invisible woman got married. You won't be surprised to hear that the kids were nothing to look at, either.
***
What's bald, has big clacking teeth, and wobbles?
A zombie baby wearing the dentures of an elderly woman whose brains it just ate.
***
Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?"
Descartes replies, "I think not" and poof! he vanishes.
***
Billy: Dad, do you have a perfect visual memory?
Dad: Yes son, pretty much. Why do you ask?
Billy: I just broke your shaving mirror!
***
A baby seal walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "What will it be, stranger?" "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
***
Mom: Why aren't you doing very well in history?
Billy: Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!
***
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
***
Vet: "I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your dog down."
Owner: "Why, just because he's cross-eyed?"
Vet: "No, because he's heavy!"
***
Ever wonder about those people who spend three dollars a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling "Evian" backward.
***
Doctor, doctor! I'm convinced I'm a rubber band.
Why don't you stretch yourself out on the couch over there and tell me all about it!
***
Teacher: "Amy, what do you call the outside of a tree?"
Student: "No idea, Miss Smith."
Teacher: "Bark, Amy."
Amy: "Arf! Arf! Arf!"
***
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history—with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
***
Daughter: Dad, what is called a 'sea level'?
Dad: Why do you want to know?
Daughter: Because my geography grades went below C-level.
***
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
***
Teacher: Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Pluto and Neptune. Everyone must attend it.
Student: Sorry, my mom won't let me go so far.
***
Q: Why doesn't the law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because the law says you cannot be punished twice for the same offense.
***
Doctor, doctor! I have a serious problem. I can never remember what I just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?
***
Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning.
Class: Hooray!
Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!
***
Dad: How do you like going to school?
Son: The going part is fine, as is the coming home part, but I'm not a fan of the time in-between!
***
Wife: "Why do you wear your specs only when I come in?"
Husband: "The doctor has ordered me to wear my specs whenever I get a headache."
***
My brother is a terrible musician. The other day he asked my sister if she had heard his last recital. She replied, "Oh boy, did I ever."
***
A blonde walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I'm horribly sick!" The doctor looks at her and asks, "Flu?" "No, I drove here."
***
Johnny: "Would you punish me for something I didn't do? "
Teacher: "No, of course not. "
Johnny: "Good, because I didn't do my homework."
***
Q: What is the best definition of a mixed emotion?
A: Watching your mother-in-law reverse off a cliff while driving your brand-new car.
***
Kid #1: I wish I had been born 1,000 years ago!
Kid #2: Why is that?
Kid #1: Just think of all the history that we wouldn't have to learn!
***
Student: Mom, my teacher was mad with me because I didn't know where the Rockies were.
Mom: Well, next time remember where you put things!
***
Why is it that musicians are always walking whenever they play the bagpipes?
Even they are attempting to get away from that awful noise!
***
A three-legged dog walks into a bar in the old west. He slides up to the counter and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
***
Dad: Why have your grades gone down so much during this school term, son?
Son: Because they moved my friend Dexter to the next classroom!
***
A gang of default computer fonts walk into a bar. "Get out of my establishment!" shouts the bartender. "We don't serve your type in here!"
***
Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only six months?
Because on the box it said 'From 2 to 4 years.'
***
What happened after the blonde ran to meet her long lost twin sister?
She got seven years of bad luck for breaking her nose on the mirror.
***
Why did the blonde miss her flight?
Because when she read the sign on the road that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
***
Teacher: Which is your native place?
Singh: Maharashtra, Miss Connor.
Teacher: Can you spell it?
Singh: Actually, my native place is Goa.
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